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Travel Crushed My Self-Esteem Before It Ever Taught Me Self-Love

Published on May 29, 2017 by Sky Fisher

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“Hola! Hey! Hey! I love you!”

I didn’t even bother turning around to acknowledge the comment. Though my friend and I had only walked a short distance from our house, this was not the first — or worst — catcall of the evening.

“They’re worse than normal tonight,” I said. “This is ridiculous.”

My friend shrugged, “Oh, they’re always like this.”

She had a point.

Catcalling is, unfortunately, a cultural norm throughout much of the world, including my beloved Central America, and whether we walked solo or in groups, a trip to the neighboring city of La Ceiba always involved a slightly uncomfortable amount of it. Walking in the tiny Honduran village we called home during our volunteer placement, however, was usually a different story.

“Yeah, in the city…” I said.

“What? No,” she responded. “They’re always here, it’s always this bad.”

I didn’t say anything else, but in my head I was calculating. The differences between the two of us. The things that would bring more attention to her. Her lean but still much-appreciated curves and light hair to my plus-size waist and dark hair.

Catcalling is by no means a measure of self-worth. But for plus-size women, it carries with it an extra layer.

The feminist in me has a whole lot to say about the catcalling nature around the world. The idea that a woman is seen as no more than a sex object by random men on the street makes my blood boil, as does the fact that “make sure you wear long pants and nothing low cut!” is travel advice frequently given to solo female travelers.

But, despite all those sensibilities, the fact that I could walk down the same street as my friend and receive little to no attention was an indication to me of how unattractive I was.

As a fat woman, I’m conditioned by culture to view myself as undesirable and unattractive. There’s a dichotomy of being a feminist who is also plus-size that my thin friends will never understand. I detest the lack of respect shown to women, especially those of us traveling solo, and am always wishing I had a snarky retort in Spanish prepared for each disgusting comment a man makes to my friends as we walk down the street.

But there’s also a part of me that feels self-conscious about not receiving the same attention as them.

Because if even the creepy men on the street don’t think I’m worthy of attention, who will?

One of the things travelers often say is that they found their self-esteem and self-confidence on the road.

What they don’t mention is that sometimes it knocks you down first.

Back home, I had my comfort zone.

My friends were prettier than me, but I never felt ugly standing next to them. I attracted little attention at bars, but didn’t mind because those nights were about dancing with my girls. And my single status? It was easy enough to convince myself that it was because I lived in a small town, had known everyone since kindergarten, and no one understood my love for travel.

When I hit the road, I was insecure but comfortable. I was a bit afraid of the world and not quite sure of my direction but, ultimately, happy with myself.

Then I started traveling.

I began in the beautiful mountain town of Orosi, Costa Rica. Two days into that trip, I knew Costa Rica would become my home at some point (It did!). Hostel “family” dinners became a regular occurrence, as did bonding over the feeling of your brain exploding after four hours of Spanish class.

And when my new friends decided to take a walk up one of the mountains for a better view of the valley, I said sure. Of course, a “walk” up a mountain is always more of a hike, and after half an hour, my calves hurt, my heart was racing, and I was walking at the speed of a turtle.

The others never complained about stopping a few times to rest, and insisted on going with me when I admitted there was no way I could make it to the top. The tears held off until I was back in my hostel room, alone and defeated.

After Costa Rica, I headed to Granada, Nicaragua where Ladies’ Night became a weekly tradition for the entire group of 20+ volunteers. We spent our days assisting with English classes in several schools in the surrounding barrios and after five days of walking a few kilometers to and from class in the heat and entertaining kids for hours, we were always ready to take advantage of those free drinks for the ladies.

Sometimes it was a low-key affair. Sometimes we spent hours getting ready.

I preferred the low-key nights, always feeling out of place around the Europeans who packed on more makeup than I’d ever owned in my life, wearing dresses from brands I would never be able to afford, when all three of my dresses had cost under $50 USD. Though I would laugh and gossip as I applied my mascara, there was always a level of insecurity around these girls, with their infectious laughter and personalities that demanded attention wherever we went.

And now, two years later on my second solo trip, in Honduras, I couldn’t even capture the attention of the men with nothing better to do than catcall the Gringas.

And the other volunteers? I was included in group outings, of course, but I never found the best friend that everyone else seemed to have.

This group was more down-to-Earth and focused on giving back than those in Nicaragua, with movie nights and popcorn more common than Ladies’ Nights and rum. Yet even among them, I felt a barrier.

I felt self-conscious when I spoke, that it was too loud or too opinionated or too fast, concerned that nothing I said could be as interesting as their stories, until I barely spoke at all. I hesitated to contribute to group discussions about what to do over the weekend or where to eat until the rest had voiced their opinions, not wanting to be the one to suggest the opposite and inconvenience others.

More and more, I found myself purposely staying on the outside of the barrier, not wanting to bother those I lived with.

My breakthrough happened the night I chose to stay in instead of going out with the group, already deciding I would be left out.

I was five pages into my journaling when it hit me.

I was basing my self-worth on what others thought. I had, unintentionally, turned down my personality to match those around me — even though it left me feeling inauthentic and uncomfortable.

Back home, I prided myself on being independent, on not caring what others in my tiny town thought of my life plans, and only allowing inspiring people in my life. Why would travel change that?

Did I really want the attention of men just looking for a wild night with any Gringa they could get?

It was startling to see how far into my shell I had crawled, how much I had changed in my pursuit of fitting in.

I was terrified of being “too much.”

In a society where women are subconsciously taught to take up as little space as possible, I already felt like my plus-size body was taking up all of my allotted space. Asking — demanding — for more by putting myself out there and trying to meet my own needs, whether that was through participating in an activity that I wasn’t already good at or taking control in a conversation about volunteer theories, seemed unreasonable.

I was holding myself back from getting to know others, because I thought I wasn’t worthy of being known. I ran away from any guy who took 10 seconds to talk to me because it must be a joke. I stopped speaking Spanish because everyone else could speak it better. I didn’t offer alternative opinions because I didn’t want to be the one rocking the boat.

That wasn’t who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be afraid. But, as my best friend reminded me over Facebook, the only person who could change this behavior was me. It’s easy to place the blame on others, that they’re doing or saying X or Z to make me feel this way, but in the end, I control how I react, how I feel, and how authentic the “me” I present to the world is.

It’s happened slowly.

I began making an effort to connect with the volunteers. How could anyone decide I was worth knowing if I wasn’t showing my real self?

Going out was still a struggle. Comparison is a hard pattern to break, and I will never be a size four with perfect boobs that don’t require a whole lot of padding to have any cleavage. But I do have long, beautiful hair and I know my eyes light up when I smile and, hey, that one dress does make my boobs look pretty great.

I’m not the most outgoing person, and sometimes I talk too much when I get excited, which happens easily. But I refuse to believe that sharing love freely is something to be ashamed of, and neither is passion.

Just as importantly as stepping into my personality, I stopped doing things that made me uncomfortable.

I didn’t like salsa dancing — not because I didn’t know how, but because I just don’t like dancing. So I stopped doing it. I don’t like being around large groups of people when I practice something new, so I found a select group of people I felt confident speaking to in Spanish. I’m not — yet — physically able to hike up mountains, and if I’m being honest I’ve never been a huge nature lover anyway. So, the next time the other volunteers were going on a hike, I decided to stay back. I spent the afternoon curled up with a smoothie and a book, they had their fun getting scraped up on a hike to a waterfall, and we all enjoyed our afternoon — something that would not have happened if I had chosen to go with them.

It hasn’t happened overnight.

I left Honduras over six months ago and that first solo trip to Orosi was over two years ago — and it’s still a work in progress. Speaking Spanish in front of others is a struggle, and there are days when I look at my friends and can’t stop comparing our outside beauty. But those days are becoming less frequent.

I discovered that saying no to things I don’t enjoy gives me time to say yes to things I do.

My friend, one of the first people I met in Orosi two years ago, got married in Costa Rica a few months ago. The morning after the wedding, we had a cleaning party that quickly turned into an extension of the night before — friends hanging out, drinking, and laughing.

There is a photo of me posing outside under an arch, and I still remember exactly how I felt in that moment: alive and free. The sun shining on my face, the dirt beneath my bare feet, my song playing in the background.

I danced for hours that day, for no reason at all, not caring who was watching or what they were thinking. For perhaps the first time, I felt purely, authentically me.

Maybe travel didn’t crush my self-esteem. Maybe it just revealed how low it already was.

And then, it showed me how to be the girl dancing for no reason at all, no longer jealous of the girl next to her, lighting up the room with her love.

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31 thoughts on “Travel Crushed My Self-Esteem Before It Ever Taught Me Self-Love

  • Maureen Sklaroff
    on May 30, 2017

    I always found that saying, “Solamente in tus suenos” would at the very least, throw off hispanic catcallers. they usually laughed, but it did get them to stop with the catcalling, if for no other reason that it suprised them.

    Reply
  • Jackie
    on June 3, 2017

    This is so unbelievably relatable. Prior to my first solo trip Around Europe I was told all the same things – don’t dress a certain way, etc etc. but even when I was dressed “more provocatively” than others around me – they were getting catcalls and I wasn’t.

    While I would never necessarily “want” to be catcalled, it made me down on myself. Which wasn’t the best for my self esteem, being that I was alone.

    It wasn’t until I got to Italy (which happens to be the majority of my bloodline also) where women with curves are appreciated that I felt confident in my skin. An older man (maybe 45ish) and I began to chat at a restaurant where we ended up talking for 8 hours. We went into fears and doubts, love and travel – pretty much every topic you can imagine, we explored. He said he became self conscious after losing his hair. I explained I feel the same way with my extra weight and he told me I was beautiful. He went on to say that it wasn’t my appearance but my mind and my thoughts and the compassion he knows I have for others and that my type of beauty is rare and should be appreciated more.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, but I do know that he gave me a piece of me back. I think it’s the same piece you found while dancing the day away. <3

    Reply
    • on June 5, 2017

      What a special experience you had in Italy! I think that’s definitely an example of travel (eventually) giving us who and what we need at a given moment. Glad you found that missing piece of you! <3

      Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    This is such a raw and honest piece of writing. Thank you for sharing it. I’m glad that you are finally on the road to being able to be authentic and yourself, without a worry of what others think or say. I hope in your future travels, you find more and more what you love about yourself.

    Reply
    • on June 5, 2017

      Thank you for reading, Sara! <3

      Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    I hope you keep on dancing!

    Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    This is such a beautiful piece of writing, so honest. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing! I’m SO glad you’re able to be the girl dancing for no reason at all. She’s always the one having the most fun!

    Reply
    • on June 5, 2017

      Thank you for reading! And I agree – she definitely does have the most fun! 🙂

      Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    Thanks for this piece. You’er very honest and it’s admirable.

    Reply
    • on June 5, 2017

      Thank you for reading! 🙂

      Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    What a great piece of writing Skye! It is so relatable! With the years I have come to realise that everyone goes through the same thought process that you have, consciously or unconsciously. We all go through insecurities, whether it’s because of the way we look or because we don’t think people find us interesting enough. This used to be me. As an introvert, I used to find it hard to communicate in groups of friends. I was much better on a one to one situation even though I found it hard (and still do sometimes) to lead with the conversation. So I always tried to ‘get lost in the background’. This was for me an easier way of dealing with my struggle but it tore me inside at the same time.

    A lot of people think that I was/am super confident but I’m not. I fight that feeling of inadequacy and it’s hard work and self-feeding. But I have learnt to, like you, be more comfortable with who I am. It has taken many many years though.

    My youngest years were a struggle because I could not put those feelings of insecurity into words like you did here. Identifying them is the first step to accepting them and to begin to overcome them, so trying not to sound patronising, you have taken the first step and admire you for it. Thank you for sharing this very personal experience!

    Reply
    • on June 5, 2017

      I completely understand what you mean about getting lost in the background. Thank you for taking the time to read and share your experience! <3

      Reply
  • Cali
    on June 3, 2017

    Love, love, love. There is nothing I appreciate more than someone who takes the time to delve deep into their inner thoughts and interpret why they feel the way they do. And then you openly shared it with the world. You are inspirational and intuitive and I appreciate this post a lot!

    Reply
    • on June 5, 2017

      Thank you so much, Cali! 🙂

      Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    Please keep dancing like the night at the wedding. Keep smiling and talking a lot when you get excited. Most of all keep being you.

    Thank you for this honest and raw post, one that many people should read. Tears welled up in my eyes for you, but also for me as I felt part of this a few years back as well.

    I can’t wait to continue reading your posts!

    Reply
    • on June 5, 2017

      Thank you so much for your kind comments! I promise I’ll keep dancing!

      Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    This is so beautiful and authentic. <3 Thank you for your honest & transparency. I wish I could sit with you and have a coffee and a nice long chat. My favorite part is where you say that travel just revealed an insecurity in you that you already had.

    Reply
    • on June 5, 2017

      If you ever make it to Costa Rica, we can definitely have a coffee and a nice long chat! Thank you for taking the time to read! 🙂

      Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    A really inspiring post!

    Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    My weight never bothered me that much but I did notice I get a log less attention and catcalling now that I am older. At least I put it on that. I feel much more confident for some reason. Not hidding anymore. I do feel you should only do the things that you like to do and not what others dictate as fun. Keep going. You’ll get there.

    Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    This is a great piece. It’s honest and brave and good writing.

    Take up space. Talk too much. Be messy and real and Human. I read “ask polly”, an advice column, all the time, and that is the point she constantly comes back to. It’s become one of my mantras.

    Also.. “Deja me” (prnounced Day-ha-may) is the best retort in spanish. It means, in the command form “Leave me.”

    Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    This is such a beautiful and inspiring post. Thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities and breakthroughs xx

    Lou
    Reallifewithlou.Com

    Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    Thank you for this story. I think we all go through something different when we travel, but there is always some element of vulnerability. Often, as bloggers we don’t face up to that. I’m happy that even though it was difficult, it did end up enriching your life over. Lovely post.

    Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    LOVE this so much! I totally understand being insecure around your friends. All of my friends are gorgeous and they always got more attention than me growing up. They’re my best friends since high school (12 years) and I love them so much but it was so hard not to compare myself to them. It took loving myself and thinking of all the amazing things I have and I can do that make me truly unique that helped me. I told my fiancé this recently how I always felt insecure around them and he just couldn’t understand it. lol He thinks I’m the most attractive of course. lol

    Keep being you! Keep LOVING yourself! Keep being yourself! Nobody is better at it than you. 😉

    -Michelle
    http://www.mapsandmuses.com

    Reply
  • on June 3, 2017

    I’m gonna be honest; your post made me really sad. Of course I knew about the issues that bigger girls have but to actually hear if from somebody… that’s harsh…
    Though the end of your post made me happy. It’s so great to see that you’re getting there. Listening to the opinions of other people (who aren’t extremely important to you) or thinking that you know their thoughts is SO NOT WORTH IT. And it’s so great to see that you’re realizing this.
    I also totally agree with “I discovered that saying no to things I don’t enjoy gives me time to say yes to things I do.” never do something you don’t wanna do (unless is totally obligated)! You should never avoid lisitining to your guts. If you don’t feel like it, don’t do it and you will feel soooo much better.
    I used to be extremely insecure when I was in my early teens. It took me a couple of years but now I’m totally confident – mostly thanks to learning to say no and not giving a shit about what people (who aren’t important to me) say.
    You are so much more worth than their opinions (or thoughts).
    Keep it up girl, and you are beautiful!!

    Reply
  • on June 4, 2017

    I absolutely loved reading this. It was so honest and raw. I think that no matter our size or what we look like on the outside, we can’t help but compare ourselves to others. I’m really happy you didn’t let that get the best of you. I’m sure you are an amazing person and a lot of fun to be around. If others don’t see that then maybe they just aren’t “your people” that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. Very inspirational post <3 keep doing you!

    Reply
  • on June 4, 2017

    This was a great post to read. So honest and inspiring as well. I was sad hearing about how low you felt for a while, but it’s so good that you’re coming into your own more now and not afraid to show people you meet abroad your true self 🙂

    Reply
  • on June 4, 2017

    I think a lot of people struggle with this. It isn’t just self-esteem but can also go with how other countries and men devalue women with catcalls, etc. It is important to reflect and accept who you are. I know I have issues doing this. Travel is hard for me because I like to fit in. I like to make friends on the road. Both never happen for me.

    Reply
  • Really great post. Raw, honest and full of insight. You know… it’s not just weight that can set you aside as “different”. It can be other things like being introverted (not shy just tired when around lots of people), or not liking to drink and stay up late. These are such social norms ALL over the world that you have two options a) you stay behind and ‘left out” or b) you fake you like it as well just to fit in. Or health issues or being super tall or having freckles … or in my case now “old” at 44 …. So kudos to you for finding your acceptance of self. THAT is gold.

    Reply
  • Suzanne
    on June 12, 2017

    At age 55, learning Spanish, single for the last 19 years, and plus-sized, I still struggle with so many of these issues. I didn’t really start solo travelling (other than road trips with my son) until I was about 40. Anyway, I am so proud of you for knowing yourself, choosing to grow, and being able to articulate the journey. It took courage to share this post and you’ve taught me some things I can use. iGracias!

    Reply

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